Turn 2 News

News received for February in the Year of Our Lord 1605

News in England is distributed by a wide variety of ways. These include notices pasted on the boards of Churches and Taverns and notes sent around the courtiers by the messengers of the nobility and gentry. The most popular distribution however is from the pulpit and the press - the priests and preachers of all churches pass news onto their congregations in town and countryside while many write and publish pamphlets they distribute far and wide. Here follows a collection of the most interesting and important news.

This inflammatory, and unsigned, pamphlet is circulated around London.

The Dutch are not our allies, nor should an Englishman trust them! Their country is invaded by papists but their colonies in the East Indies are unprotected. And damn right they make a huge profit of it, selling those spices to us at ludicrous prizes. Allies do not do that. They even trade in India, ignoring our own India Company. God forbid someone may try to sack their ships and take their spices and them sell them back to them…

A neat little note circulated around Court by the Lord Chamberlain.

It is with pleasure that I announce that the position of Court Astrologer is once again filled. His Majesty, King Henry IX, has appointed Mother Rachel de Courtney. It falls to her to advise him on astrological events and any effect they may have on matters of State.

On the 3 of December, at the seventh hour, there was a lunar eclipse. The following are extracts from some pamphlets circulated purporting to explain either the cause or effect of this.

”…the Kingdom is in Darkness! Whilst the False King languishes on the throne there can be no Light in England…” -by an unamed Puritan, the rest of the pamphlet continues in a similar vein.

“It is wise to refrain from attempting military action during this time. Not that it is particularly likely to succeed or fail, simply that it is unnerving for the men for the moon to become blotted out as they prepare to fight.” the pamphlet continues with some advice on how to deal with commoners who may overreact to magical phenomenon. Some of the advice is sensible, other pieces - for example, avoiding eating cheese before bed as this is liable to cause nightmares that the overactive mind may take to be demonic in nature - clearly not. It is signed Professor Walter Duncan, though of where is not mentioned.

”…and in this time it shall be that the Light becomes Tainted, and Darkness becomes a part of it and Darkness and Light are One, and so be wary!” -an extract from A Treatise on the Nature of the Eclipse, by Matthias Kimmons, Astrologer.

A notice to be found in reputable establishments of entertainment.

Sir Richard Molyneux is in possession of a number of holdings in Ireland, and is in search of buyers for these.

A pamphlet circulated around London, exhorting the faithful to colonise Ireland. It is signed by by the Vicar of Monkwearmouth

It is surely the Duty of every Patriotic Englishman to claim the Irish soil for the Crown! We cannot let our Poor Brothers fall back into their Ingnorance when this opportunity exists to make available to them the Benefits of English Society, and our Anglican Religion.

A note penned by Master Thomas Irvin and printed in the City of London

It was a wonderous thing, for out of nowhere, from where no thing should appear without good cause, burst out a sea-faring vessel peopled with sailors and covered in gems.

For after a riotous wind and splashing water there was no sign of cause or wherefrom the vessel came, but it rested upon the land in the streets of Southwark.

The people were amazed, yet it was the awe and, indeed, confusion of the sailmen themselves that was the most remarkable. They could tell me little of where they had come from and how they had arrived, but were rather over-joyed to be back in fair England and laden with riches.

What riches they were! Strange plants, gleaming gold and many-coloured gems, on board, overboard and distributed over some area of Southwark.

Their Captain, one Roger Jameson was as surprised as any for his predicament and was the most forthcoming of their adventures…

The pamphlet continues to describe a wonderful tale of the New World - a daring expedition and untold riches

A pamphlet signed by Sir Alexander Cross MP and distributed in both London and the counties

‘…As we travelled North into Daresbury I considered the crime committed by these river bandits, and the more I thought on it the more my anger grew. To steal taxes; is there a crime with more victims? Think of all those who suffer- our brave soldiers, who give life and limb for England have their pay stolen. The worker in the fields, who breaks his back with labour, his contribution goes not to his fellows but into the pockets of scheming brigands. The Monarch too is bereft, for he has lost the tie that links him to his subject; even the humblest peasant in the furthest reaches of the realm, if he gives tax, is linked to his liege by a chain of obligation. To sever such a tie is despicable.

Troubled by such thoughts I went to my bed in ill humour. Little did I know that on the morrow I would clash blades with the very scoundrels responsible for my condition…’

The river runs crimson with spilt life’s hue, As the Lady dances, her blade in hand, and I stand watching ‘midst the morning’s dew, those countless angry blows which fail to land. Blind Justice raises high her sword and scales Autumn comes, leaves fall, the Lady prevails. —

The pamphlet goes on to extol the virtues of Captain O'Keefe in her duty to England

…extended by Popular Acclaim to a THIRD WEEK, and from the pen of the most eminent Rebecca Lanik, a Tragical Tale of wonder, glory, death, redemption and damnation. Lord Oxford's men will Astound and Delight you with the latest in Technical Wonders. Armies clash! Seas roar! Men seek after Angels and find only Demons!…

The play is exceedingly successful, drawing favourable attention to Lord Oxford's men. There is apparently a somewhat messy accident on the closing night, but it does not reflect badly on the show.

”…Ladies and gentleman, we are at a critical time in our negotiations of peace with the Spanish. We should prey for guidance in these negotiations that we might not be led astray by false promises nor give in to unreasonable demands in the name of peace. We should also pray that those will lose their lively hoods from such a peace can find productive ways to serve the communities they live in. Let us hope that without their letters of Marque, our honourable privateers do not turn to despicable acts of piracy. Let us hope that without the threat of war, our brave soldiers do not leave their posts and make us vulnerable to surprise attack. In these times, we cannot afford to ignore the possibility of peace, but nor can we assume that Catholic Spain only has honourable intentions towards us…”

This sermon is preached at Hereford Cathedral by the Bishop, Augustus Wells-Lacy, and its sentiments have quite an effect on the opinion of the populace. A transcript of the sermon has been made available to several printers.

”…thus it can be seen that D'ALEMBERT, the treacherous hell-spawn D'ALEMBERT, is not only Accursed in the Sight of the Lord but is himself the HARBINGER of the Apocalypse! O you Baron of Daresbury, how you have fallen from Grace! WEEP AND LAMENT, o ye people, for the running-dog of the ADVERSARY walks among us, in the very COURTS of great King Harry is the foul stench of his breath seen! For has he not been seen walking abroad, NAKED, his very clothes AFLAME on the pyres of HELL? Have HAILSTONES not attended his waking hours, falling with HOLY WRATH from the sky? And was it not thus foretold in the Revelation of St. John? Lament, o ye people of England, lament and fall to ground weeping, for the Final Days are upon us!

The congregation will now hear a reading from Revelations, Chapter 16, verses 15-21…”

The rantings of a particularly frothy Catholic priest in a minor country church. The sentiments, if not the vigour, are quietly muttered and repeated by many other voices throughout both Anglican and Catholic churches.

(One of many such conversations audible in the taverns around Westminster and environs.)

“No, I've seen it myself. It's a hole. A dirty great hole, right there in his back garden.”
“Well, I suppose he might have had some Alchemist over, experiment went wrong…“
“Way I hear it, he wasn't even in London when the thing appeared. And besides, that hideous screaming? And the buzzing noises? All those flames? It's demons if you ask me.”
“I hear if you get close enough to it, it smells of honey.”
“You're welcome to try. I was there when they put that poor boy down it. They lowered him down on a ship's cable, thick as my wrist, to see if he could see the bottom. When they pulled the rope up…“
“What, like it was cut?”
“Like it was bitten. Clean through.”
“I don't envy the man who has to tell His Nibs when he gets back from India…“

Shortly before Court, there was some sort of incident at Michael Gerard, the Viscount Surat's London townhouse. There was some damage to surrounding properties, and there is now an apparently bottomless pit on his grounds. Gawkers are not currently being permitted, and the area is kept relatively clear by Surat's men.

From the highest to the lowest, everyone is talking about the new poem by Rebecca Lanik. Despite not being written in her native tongue, it's a work of genius, inspiring strong men to weep and women to leave their husbands and strike out for America. The poem's themes are subtle and delicate, but it's clearly written in honour of Lord Galahad Tarrant, Earl of Arundel's most recent party. Its verses weave together themes of sex and knowledge, exploring the theme of the Trees of Life and Knowledge and the Forbidden Fruit while staying just on the right side of the line between “art” and “heresy”. No doubt contributory to its success are the heavy printing subsidies provided both by Lord Arundel and Sir Simony de Vries, both of whose names appear prominently in the title page; these subsidies mean that even the common masses can afford at least a cheap octavo edition.

From the Sourcerous Scoundrel by “William the Prophet”

…and another piece of news vexes me much. For it is now know that with the unholy assistance of the Alchemists who would create the stuff of fiery Gehenna in on our own Earth did help escape the notorious Jimmy Raven. For now his crimes of greed and stealing are compounded by association with magicians and wizards.

How can yet the people of England stand for this? Must we not now take up arms and run every single evil-doing spell-smearer out of our fair country?

The pamphlet continues in similar vein.

From the sermon of Rev. Constantine Black of London

It is sad that our best prison, the Tower of London, is so poorly protected that any criminal may escape with little assistance. For only three days ago the wretched Jimmy the Raven made good his escape from right captivity and punishment by the use of Alchemical fire. We must hope that it is only the thieves that have such powerful friends, for if every murderer escaped we would surely be in trouble. Better, I say, to execute all criminals in good time and prevent such sorry episodes.

A beautifully-lettered note passed around the finer establishments of London

Gleaming in whitest armour did Henry Tudor convene his Lords and Commons. From every corner of the land, the Deputies of English people stood with their Monarch, ready to advise. And so the Great King spoke and words of Wisdom were carried, winged from his mouth, until every man and woman was inspired for great Deeds and things of State.

The note continues to describe the great opening of Henry IX's first Parliament

Notices posted in Westminster by Parliament

Debates were made and the Commons was aloud with discussion on every issue and motion that the House proposed. In the Lords many state matters were thoroughly debated until a firmer decision made. These are the votes…

On the Issue of the Spanish War

Sir Jerome Aye
Sir Richard Aye
Sir Alex Abstain

Lord Hertfordshire No
Archbishop York Abstain
Lord Surat Aye
The Duke of Somerset Aye
Bishop Hereford No
… and other votes

Thus did the Parliament in full advise the King of continued war.

The Kingdom's Taxes

Sir Jerome Aye
Sir Richard Aye
Sir Alex Aye
Lord Hertfordshire Aye
Archbishop York Aye
Duke of Somerset Aye
Bishop Hereford Aye
… and other votes

The Parliament deemed it necessary to pass all taxes for the running of the country.

The Need to Increase Fines on Recusants

Sir Alex Abstain
Sir Jerome No
Lord Hertfordshire No
Archbishop York Aye
Duke of Somerset Abstain
Bishop Hereford Aye
…and other votes

The motion narrowly defeated.

The notice continues to list all other major and minor motions debated.

From the King's Speech

…Thus I deem it right and necessary to make the appointment of the Speaker for our House of Commons. After much deliberation and consideration, for the leading of this House I choose a most esteemed gentleman. To Speak on my behalf I now appoint Sir Alexander Cross…

An official looking document pinned to the door of the Rose Theatre, with the seal of the Lord Chamberlain attached.

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF LICENSE TO PERFORM A WORK OF THEATRE

The license granted to Master William Brandage to stage and present the play “The Labours of Hercules” is herewith and with effect immediate revoked. The Office of the Lord Chamberlain, by the Grace of King Henry IX, granted authority as guardian of the theatre and of its audience additionally fines the holder of this license the sum of £50 for performances liable to lead to the corruption of the public morals and…

“The Labours of Hercules” only manages three performances before it is cancelled. However, the elite few who got a chance to see it have been raving about it; apparently it's an amazing work of artistry, if a little controversial.

From “The Rake of Fashion”, a small pamphlet updated weekly, and sold in the more exclusive tailors and dressmakers.

The Viscount of Hertfordshire [Vicky] continues to set the scene, the every nuance of his costume the source of fevered admiration at Court and the subject of slavish imitation by those without a Look of their own. He remains the master of the Dark Wardrobe, clad in black leather and fine midnight satins.

But wait! Those who observe more closely see that colour has entered his recent outfits. Flecks of red and gold reflect the light and the Viscount's fiery nature. And most daring of all the Viscount de Vries seeks to reintroduce the waistcoat, thought lost to fashion for two long years, as the latest in style! A waistcoat hand-embroidered with a dragon in shining gold and red, set off with a red cravat that highlights and compliments that glorious waistcoat. The Rake salutes you for your daring even as the needles of London sew furiously with a hundred variations upon the theme.

“The Rake” doesn't mention that Edward has been wearing a hat (wide-brimmed) this season. Anyone who wants to go about in public without looking a fool has been wearing hats since Sir Alexander Cross made them de rigour. It also doesn't note that Edward de Vries has now left the year-and-a-day mourning for his wife though its certain that some of the more predatory husband-hunters of the Court will have noticed the news.

From the Streets of London

“What the hell are you doing, Veronica?”
“I was going to give the dog the rest of this bread, the stuff is practically rotten.”
“Well just throw it away, I don't want any dogs around here. Not after what I saw last night… nothing should sound like that and definitely not burn like that.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Exactly that! Hell; here on the streets of London. I saw a pack of burning dogs, each one aflame along its back. They can only have been hounds from hell. And that wasn't even the worst.”
“No…”
“The pack was running through the street after midnight and one of them collided with Stinking Jeremy the tramp that sleeps in the alley behind the butchers. Lord knows what he was doing up at that hour and Lord save his soul now because he won't get up again. The dog and he both just disappeared in a huge ball of flame. And you know the most terrifying thing? Before it exploded… the dog was screaming. It screamed in the voice of a child…”
“What were you doing up after midnight Harold? You've been seeing that tramp Joan again, haven't you. My mother warned me about men like you but did I listen…”

Rumours have swept London that a pack of flaming dogs is on the loose setting small fires and heralding the apocalypse. Many of these rumours include a warning that the dogs explode if struck or sometimes just for no apparent reason. Eyewitnesses all confirm that the dogs produce an unearthly wailing noise, as of a child in terrible pain.

A Playbill

All are in Awe of the mighty Sir Luca Braganza as his force of Arms and his Noble Nature are launched in to battle against ALL the Powers of Spain! His Cunning tactics and Brilliant leadership are not the only portion of his nature revealed in this Stunning play by that Rising Star of the theatre, William Brandage. No audience member will be able to hold back the Tears as the most brilliant speech the Stage has ever seen laments the necessity of War but honours the Valiant Foe.

For lunch Attend the Brand New fourth short play featuring the ever popular “Sworn Companions”. William Brandage once more shows the Wit that has made these Comedies the talk of all London, as we present the first performance of “The One with the Washerwoman”. Dick Milnew and his Saucy Sister Raquel must endure the scandalous revealing of their secrets and laundry in public! And back by Popular Demand this Wednesday only, the final repeat performance of “The One with the Alchemical Hearts”, in which all our Coffee House favourites learn that you can't make love with magic!

The play featuring the fictional exploits of the Sir Luca Braganza in Spain is a great success. The solilouqy in the final act leaves many of the audience in tears as it reveals Sir Braganza's depth of nobility as he tours the aftermath of the battle and comments that all men are equal in death and should treat each other as brothers in life. The series of popular bawdy comedies featuring the coffee house customers known as the “Sworn Companions” causes regular scandal as the customers of a coffee house in London get up to a series of unlikely adventures though it does excellent business, especially from repeat performances. The money-grabbing, greedy, covetous character of Dick Milnew bears something of a resemblance to Sir Richard Molyneux…

… upstart misguided Protestants have o'erthrown the rightful Catholic authorities of the Spanish Netherlands. This rebel province, styling itself the Dutch Republic, bubbles like a rank cauldron with every variety of heresy and schism in Christendom. Even more appalling, it appears that these rebels are being supported by English troops. That this great country would break away from the Holy Mother Church is bad enough, but now it seems that now it seeks to spread this error by force of arms across the whole of Europe. This can not be tolerated…

This section of the sermon receives a very wide circulation. The zealots of the Catholic Church consider it a call to arms and distribute it amongst young hotheaded Catholics, while Puritan and fervent Anglican pamphleteers warn that it proves that Catholics are the eternal enemies of England. A few moderates protest that it has been taken out of context and that later in the sermon the bishop makes clear that he wishes his congregation love to persuade the Protestants to repent these mistakes. Whatever the intent large numbers of Catholics do leave England to fight with the Spanish in the Netherlands.

A pamphlet published by a puritan sect

…and if ye doubt the evil of the ecclesiastical hierarchy that seeks to set one woman above another in God's eyes then look upon the example of the so-called Bishop of Leicester. This Mary is the talk of the town, now known to be naught but a fornicator. For has she not abandoned her flock and her pulpit to flee to France with the notorious gigolo Julian de Selmant. These are the ways of our Anglican sisters…

A pamphlet from the Catholic zealots

… and I have seen the leaders of this “Church”, a creed born in error from the sin of bigamy, deport themselves in a most immodest way. For in the ward of Southwark their Mary, false bishop of Leicester, and saw her in her cups and upon her was clearly the intent to drink that notorious borough free of the stain of the demon drink if she could…

A pamphlet signed by the Free Men of a Pure England

… and the Irish do not contend themselves with bedding our wives and husbands and sullying our sons and daughters. No, now they strike into the heart of our Realm and our Religion and steal our bishop. For doubt not that those demon-sired “Connaught Brethren” are behind her disappearance. A soul full of faith and piety alone can not ward against the treacherous steel of Ireland. And that is but one more reason why they must be expelled at the point of sword and quarrel from our fair land…

The penmanship is good but the text is appalling. Here's an extract

• [Archibald] See to it, my scribe that this, my latest masterpiece, are printed well, For tommorow we perform for the king himself!

Archibald exits stage Right

• [Mary aside] Oh how my lords writ brings me such pain
  for he may never know how they set my heart aflame!
  My heart is a sheep lost in a herd
  But for fear my wooeing shall never be heard!

A pamphlet written by Sir John Thomas of Chichester.

Puritans have been rioting in Oxford! A student from Cain’s College has been killed! The Catholics in the city had been claiming one of the local churches belonged to them, which was offensive enough. But now they’ve started building a new church, bigger and more impressive than any other church in the city – some say it’s intended to rival Christ Church Cathedral itself! How could any good Englishman have reacted differently?

The pamphlet continues ranting about the new Catholic church to be built in the city, and exhorting all good Englishmen to burn it down.

Heard in different words but similar tone in Catholic churches throughout the country.

Do you see how the foul Anglicans treat us? Have you heard of their latest blasphemy? John Fletcher, an unassuming Priest for the parish of Chiswick, has been BRUTALLY MURDERED! Staked out and tortured, and finally finished off by cutting out his throat! And what’s more, his limbs were splayed out at UNNATURAL angles, as if someone had been performing some disgusting ritual! How this country can claim that they are true followers of CHRIST is beyond us.

But what can we do about this disgusting and despicable act? FIGHT BACK! Bring this matter to the highest authorities! Find out who did this and bring them to JUSTICE! Make King Henry prove that he is not WEAK in the face of BLASPHEMY and HORROR!

An official notice pinned to the front of the Earl of Essex's Dragoon barracks.

Lieutenant Quentin Trask has been commended by the Earl of Essex himself for the brave and gallant rescue of William, Duke of Somerset. Surrounded by Catholic troops, the Duke’s men were being cut down with little hope of survival. Until the brave Lieutentant arrived with a small force from the Dragoons, fighting off the Catholic forces until reinforcements arrived.

A small and subtle note, edged tastefully in black, passed around the courtiers of London.

The forces of Hell may trouble even the most devout of us, troubling our sleep with distressing visions and affecting even our waking lives. Sir Octavius Dawkins is an accomplished Theurgist, and would be honoured to assist any of the noble class in removing these malign influences from their lives.

“I saw a man go to church, covered in ashes. A Catholic. I wonder what he did?”

“Mol seems to have an admirer. Didn't you hear about the snuff box?”

“I hear one of Sir Alexander's maids is trying to hide a pregnancy. Has he been putting it about, d'you think?”

“St Mary's Home for Fallen Women was pleased to recieve a donation from Admiral Taylor.”

“Oh no! Not the Connaught Brethren!”

“It was odd, she just turned up, worked in the fields every day, wouldn't accept payment, only the plainest of food.”

“The fire, it burned like nothing I'd seen before. Nearly no light, but enough staying power to make up for that. Over at Admiral Taylor's house.”

“Isn't it gallant of Sir Alexander Cross to be supporting our dashing war heroes?”

“Duke of Somerset? Donations to monasteries? Sounds like a guilty conscience to me!”

“I hear something big was stolen from the Amsterdam offices of the Dutch Company - at least they closed them down for a few days. Lots of sailors grumbling about not getting their pay on time!”

“An alchemist has started work on Undying Flowers! Harry must be planning to marry Elizabeth”

“It was hideous. Just after that explosion at the Viscount Surat's townhouse, they pulled a couple of men out of an alleyway… they had to identify the bodies by the contents of their purses, they were so swollen. They'd been stung to death.”

“It hasn't been performed publicly yet, but I hear that the play Master Brandage wrote for the Earl of Doncaster was something a bit special! Controversial, mind, but I'd love to see a copy of the script…”

“That Sir Alex - hobnobbing with the speculators, isn't he? I've heard he's been seen in exactly the right sort of coffeehouse. Lots of serious men with serious money are interested in that one.”

“Whosaprettykittyden? I hear all the fashionable ladies are going to be trying to get hold of one of those exotic Persian things now that they've seen His Majesty's new pet. Still, 'Babylon' is a bit of an odd name for a kitten…”

“I do believe the Archbishop is unwell, did you not see his visit to his Brother Canterbury? On entering the Cathedral there he positively shivered, scratced and seemed in great discomfort. Oh, and we know exactly what causes those ailments…”

“Oh it were an unnatural fire, burned dull but hot. I swear we threw a dozen score buckets o' water at it. I'd say that gentleman Sir Hans Franzberg ought to be more mindful.”

“Have you met Katherine of Somerset, the Duke's daughter? A most delectable girl, I hear she's of marriageable age, and the Duke is most wealthy…”

“Apparently a wildly bedecked Coloured man has rented a townhouse in Oxford. Is someone from the Sublime Port coming to court? The Ottoman Empire hasn't sent anyone to England for a long time.”