News: Turn 5 (March 1644 – October 1644)

News in England is distributed by a wide variety of ways. These include notices pasted on the boards of Churches and Taverns and notes sent around the courtiers by the messengers of the nobility and gentry. The most popular distribution however is from the pulpit and the press - the priests and preachers of all churches pass news onto their congregations in town and countryside while many write and publish pamphlets they distribute far and wide. Here follows a collection of the most interesting and important news.

Nearer—the publication closer to your heart

Extracts from Nearer, a gossip pamphlet covering the ups and downs of members of the court.

“…Nearer normally considers it imprudent to comment on the personal lives of court members, but hanging naked and upside down from a window? Eliza Gamut might benefit from…”

“…poor man seems to be having terrible luck. All the trouble with his rooms, and now Sir Gray looks to have hurt his leg, too…”

“…Princess and Edward Marshal. Nearer always knew something was going on, but not to this extent!”

“…not seen at all in the past few months. Nearer sends its best wishes to Jehozadak…”

“…Italian. At the time of going to press, neither Elizabeth Weaver nor Gwendolyn de Vries were available to comment…”

“…truly the most delightful man of Oxford. We always thought the Portugese were charming, but dom Alonso is regarded as the perfect benefactor…”

Jews in parliament—a Scottish perspective

From a sermon by a Scottish puritan priest

“Despite warnings by the wisest Theurgists of Albion, the English Parliament has given priviliges to the Jews of Liverpool! The Kabal and Prague think they can rule Albion and rule Scotland, and the shall not! They do not understand the wrath of the Scottish!

“If the foul baby-eating Rabbis have the right to sit in the Lords, then so should the Puritans! It is time we had a hand in our country's running!”

The priest continues his rant for quite some time, launching wide-ranging attacks at both the English and the Jews

Scottish relgious tensions

A pamphlet published across Scotland and around the English border

My friends, we have all heard about the fires started in the Jewish temples, and of the murder of a puritan outside Glasgow. The evidence may point to your enemies attempting to destroy you, but I beseech you all: do not attack! Let the true story uncover itself before you exact revenge.

It is time for reasoned discussion, not unnecessary violence! Will our good archbishop please mediate, and ensure the violence abates?

The Catholic Crown Princess

Extacts from pamphlets circulated shortly after Princess Mary eloped with Edward Marshal, formerly Earl of Glastonbury

…clearly under magical influence of some kind, the Princess was induced to elope with the traitor Edward Marshal to the Vatican, where the pair were married by the Pope after Princess Mary had been baptised…

…obviously a sign of the Continuing Corruption of the Country, if it were not for the stain of Judaism on the Country we would not see so many questioning the True Faith…

…..not the Crown Princess for long. When Parliament is called again, it's first act will be to pass a bill preventing the succession of Catholics to the Throne of Albion…

…Tried in absentia and found guilty of Treason, and a Warrant of Execution issued by His Majesty King Matthew, as well as a substantial reward for any returning the Head of Edward Marshal…

A Census of The Kingdom

Mentioned in “All Westminster's Men”.

We have but glimpsed a few pages of the census, but with God's Grace and by the Will of the King the Census of Albion is now complete. No doubt it shall present a mammoth job for Windbag Wyndham and Wailing Weaver to judge how much or little tax we pay.

One man who has taken to redeeming himself, and proving the more competent fool, is our Archbishop of Edinburgh who has diligently assisted the Census. He has, it is said, now revealed the Proportions of the People of Albion and indeed, that with some thirty-eight Bishops of the Church of England sitting in the Lords and representing the Good Christians of our Isles, but one Rabbi might be equivalent. Though the damage may be done, it seems that just the solitary 'Lord' may be admitted, according to that most Destructive Law, to the Houses of Parliament. Truly, we are thankful that the Jews of this Isle are far from numerous and that their numbers may yet become true Christians…

A Pamphlet from the Archbishop of Edinburgh

The archbishop preaches this sermon in his own cathedral and soon it is on the lips of every Anglican, and some Puritans, in Scotland and repeated in many of the pulpits of England besides.

Good people! I ask you, why did the country let the Jews into the country in the first place? To convert them!

Long before my time the Church had failed in this respect, and has let their numbers grow. Until we realise that they can make demands on us, if we hadn't of passed this bill what would have happened? Prague would be in uproar and Liverpool would never have returned to Albion. No, instead they would sit as a parasite within our mists.

It is a sad day when a leader spiritual must fight for a heretics rights, but what was the alternative? I tell you it was a horde of traitorous minds working away, plotting the downfall of those who would not grant them their rights.

I ask you what good ever came of suppressing a faith? Did not our own Protestant faith thrive under the boot of the papal oppressor? Yes, even moving from strength to strength. Our own noble faith came out stronger because of the suppression of Queen Mary I. I would be a poor man if I let the mistakes of the catholic reach our own purest of religions.

But does the Jew expect us to sit back while they spread their doctrine? If they do they are poorly mistaken. The time has come brothers to take up the mantle our ancestors put down. We will not sit idly while the Jews poison the common man's faith. I ask you, will you aid me?

My call goes out to all those true to their faith: Bring our fallen brothers back to the flock. Let the synagogues fall into disrepair, their aging rabbis left to preach to empty halls. I give a task to every one of you, let the bells ring in every church and cathedral, the true faith is stirring, the tide will turn. This will not be a revolution by the fire but a revolution by the mind.

A Most Impressive Lecture

From a pamphlet reviewing lectures given at the various Oxford colleges.

Once again Professor the Lord Quinn A.B. Smith has amazed the students of Cain's College with his knowledge of things magical and mechanical. Though he may not make an impressive showing in polite company, in the lecture hall he truly shines! Showing Inventions through history, from Da Vinci's Sketches of flying machines and horseless carriages to more modern diagrammes, shewing how the practical uses of such devices, as well as bathyspheres and cannons.

The lectures culminated in a display of the Black Sun Rising, the flying ship of Captain Dick Smashing, in which the Professor was instrumental. Truly, Invention is the magic of the Future!

Parlimentarian Elections

”…Among many other joyous announcements of the worthies of Court involving themselves in the great Houses of Parliament as a show of loyalty to the King, the worthy Sir Randolph Blenham has announced his intention to stand as a candidate for Wuthering Island East. The seat is unlikely to be greatly contested, and…”

Jewish Conversions in Scotland

From the parish newsletter of the town of Aberdeen, recounting a visit by the Archbishop of Edinburgh - Henry Lockett - to the synagogue there.

The Archbishop of Edinburgh did sit with the Jews and remonstrate with them, for they did not believe that the Lord Christ was the Messiah - the saviour their God and ours had promised them so long ago - and he sought to reveal to them the truth. For Henry Lockett is a man of the true faith, blessed by God and endowed with a reason and a faith strong enough to pass any test. He spoke with them from a time before the sun reached its greatest zenith till the moon rose to take it place. He spoke to them of God' love and how his Son's death had washed clean the sins of those willing to accept His name.

And when the archbishop rose so too did some two score of the congregation of that synagogue, and the rabbi wept for fully half those who had professed his faith had been one to the side of Christ and the Life Eternal. Those two scores were greeted in the Church of England as brothers regained, the prodigal sons realising their error and seeking the forgiveness so lovingly available to them.

The Parliamentary Sessions

From the pamphlet “All Westminster's Men” circulated around various establishments in Oxford and across the country

So, with great anger, and indeed with much justification the King dissolved the Misguided Teahouse Parliament five months ago. Such was its outrageous contempt for the Crown and the Church of England that we see no other solution that could have occured. It is still not clear whether the King is truly to call a new Parliament for next year, for the MPs and Lords of the land have so displeased him that he might be minded to rule in Person alone for some time.

If Albion is to be preserved we feel that more caution and control might be advised for future deputies. For Parliament is but an instument of the people in advise of Government for the King, not the place of cruel political games…

A new Parliament will be called next turn. There will be a chance for players to be elected as Members of Parliament if they wish to.

The Navy's Rising Stars

From the semi-regular pamphlet “The Royal Vessel” now being published in Bristol by Lieutenant Christopher Graham of the Royal Navy

Many more fine individuals have joined the New Navy's ranks to bolster its resources and capabilities. More importantly, the Navy now has full three Admirals and enough ships to operate all three fleets as originally intended. As Lord Harte is promoted to Admiral of the Red we are most delighted to welcome Lady Anastasia Hamilton as the Admiral of the Blue. Most admirable in her campaign for the Navy, she now has a place to serve her country even more effectively than before!

Not to be missed are the Colonel Sir Christophe Swal, joining the Marines and Commodore the Lord Mandrake who joins the Admiralty of the Blue. Two fine gentlement who we hope can bring their notable military experience to our ships.

It is our hope that the Navy exalt all Albion across the Known World…

Queen Anne of France's Mallady

An extract from “God's Right Retribution upon France”, one of the several pamphlets picking up on rumours of the Queen of France's affliction

… but conversing with my most reliable contacts in the Kingdom of France I am most assured of the truth. For is the Queen's frail Spanish frame capable of coping with the tougher climes of France? God's punishment for those ills that she has inflicted upon her people, and upon the people of Albion, are finally delivered and the affliction strikes. Not all is consistent in the particulars but most agree that she taken with a misalignment of the humours and though may appear Well in Ceremony, is most certainly less Industrious in the performance of her Royal Duties.

The Queens of Albion may be stronger than the Kings, but this is not the case for those of Spanish or other European lineage, for it is said the Essence Angelic flows through the Monarchs of England, Scotland and Ireland. Thus God's exquisite blessing is balanced by his retribution.

Mysterious Fires at Pembroke College

”…in the first quad, fire started late at night. While the repairmen were out. They put it out jolly fast but I

heard they found something in there…”

”…and then a bare few nights later, I swear the next fire started entirely on its own! There was nobody in there, one of the builders was down the Dog and Peacock the other night and says he <i>swears</i> it was like that pile of planks just burst into flame, there wasn't anyone <i>near</i> it…”

“What about Maria, the serving-girl? She says she was half-asleep when something <i>invisible</i> pulled her out of her bed and dragged her out of the university! Fighting and screaming all the way, she thought it was a demon or something! Next thing she knows, the room she was sleeping in goes up in flames, and if she'd still been in there, well…”

“At least they saved the Library -”

“Those Cain's College lads who were passing by? Summoned a demon right there and then to start carrying water from the docks to douse the thing! Bloody brave lads too, and did you see what they looked like afterwards? White as sheets and shaking, saying they'd rather risk Hell than the Vice-Chancellor if he heard the Earl's library had gone up…”

“Second quad razed to the bloody ground. Damn shame, all that inlaying work on the stone - melted into puddles!”

“First quad survived, but all that smoke, it's going to be a bastard to clean…”

“Still, more work for you and me, eh mate? Mine's a pint of sack, landlord!”

Anyone passing Pembroke College will easily see that all the sterling building work on the Second Quad has been razed entirely to the ground. Most of the first quad and the library have survived, but with some smoke damage. In rank defiance of such ill fortune, lectures are continuing as normal.

The Most Inflamed Inquisition of Spain

The pamphlet “Satan's Tricks” takes an extended aside to speak of the Spanish Inquisition currently ongoing

And the truly terrifying Instrument of the Papist Satanist Minions doth still vex the Spanish peoples. Not yet content with their FIENDISH DEEDS all across Europe, the ARMIES OF SATAN once more seek to COW and DECEIVE all Spain.

OPPRESSED they have no choice but to SUBMIT to the most terrible EVIL and declare even their mothers the THRICE-DOUSED-IN-MILK witches of Castille. Yet the DEVIL taketh the pure and TRUE - are not all the HERETICS already SERVANTS OF THE ANTICHRIST in the MOST DAMNED Inquisition!

And MOST despicable of all, the man called Santiago Jiminez whom the GREAT CORRUPTOR would call to take the name of a Saint and twist it to VILE VILLAINY. Now the country is in Turmoil and DRIVEN MAD, may God have Mercy on their souls.

Cathayan Visitors

From “The Comparative Philosopher”, a semi-regular independent magical journal enjoyed at both the Invisible College and Oxford University.

”…indeed, just as our Cathayan visitors have declared these months an Auspicious time for travel, and so visit the shores of our fair Albion, so we must adopt their terminology and declare it an equally Auspicious time for study; for when else might our Astrologers, Rhetorician and Philosophers have such a sterling opportunity to study the workings of the Mysterious East? Indeed, the fine young minds of the Dawkins Institute have already suggested a field-trip around some of the great Sites of Albion in honour of the Cathayan visitors, taking in such sites as Drowned London, the accursed Isle of Lundy, the mysterious depths of the Hebrides, and the peculiar Dancing Marsh-Lights of the Welsh Estuaries. With Cathayan guests already present in the East India Company's establishments, at trading-houses throughout the city, and at various College of the University - particularly Lanik College - it seems that these Visitors to our Shores will find themselves warmly welcomed; already, several of the Coffee-Houses and Salons have begun to adopt a distinctly Cathayan style to their fashions, indulging in complicated Tizanes and Teas, carved Wooden Screens and silk Hangings, and some even fashioning their hair in the Pig-Tails so well-regarded by these Honoured Guests. It is but to be hoped that they will learn as much of Civilisation from the brave Sons of Albion, as we will learn of their Quaint Culture…”

All those resident in Oxford through the season will notice a great influx of visitors from the far East, staying in various residences around the town. Many do not speak much English, though most seem excessively polite, if a little distant.

Heroic Hortie Help - Huzzah!

A note in the pamphlet “Adventure!!” distributed by bright-faced boys and girls on the streets of Oxford

Those dashing Horties do it again! And with such STYLE! Panache! That brave Lord Alexander Gray, attired in a shining suit of armour, leading the rescue as the Sea-Serpent dives in to bring the bathyscaphe up. What a sight it must have been - the site of the triumph of SAVING a man.

The Courageous Earl Hereford too was there, resplendent in some finery, gripping his sword prepared for any danger that might rise from the depths. Ever ready to defend King, Country and Friends against all coming evils.

Then Signore Medicim, galantly rescuing his fellow country-man so stuck in such a DIRE situation. Displaying fine bravery when faced with the possibility of the man's death.

But SUCCESS! The man was rescued, fit for adventure and undertaking thanks to the timely arrival of all these Bright Shining Knights.

Sun Still to Show

An extract from Astrology and You, a pamphlet attempting to make astrology more accessible to the masses

In Central America, the Sun continues to be missing. Astrologists have come up with many theories as to why, and some of the most instructive are outlined below.

  • The Disestablishment of the Church of England caused fractures in the Crystal Spheres, and so the Sun now follows a slightly different route which does not take it over the colonies.
  • It is a sign that the Catholics are being punished for the Papal Bull condemning the King, as they have lots of colonies there.
  • It is a sign that we have not been sufficiently active in spreading Christianity in the New World, and will only return when the natives embrace Christ as their saviour.

Colony Catastrophe Cleared

In the Colonies, a light shines once again, thanks to Sir Randolph Blenham, who has worked tirelessly to provide miniature Suns to fly over the fields and keep the crops alive. Colonel Adam O'Farrel, Major Lang, Captain Smashing and Master Franz, with the aid of men and ships from Admiral Hamilton and Major-General Devereux repelled the Aztec Attackers and evacuated the worse affected of the colonies.


“Я больше не раб коварных рук времени!”

“That's my grave… but I'm not burried there. Nice epitaph.”

Written on an Oxford tavern wall: “Pysa war Sowsen korev!”

“One of them Jews what was killing our Puritans has gone off hiding in Liverpool. Bloody cheek. It's part of Albion now, innit?”
“Ought to bring him back then, oughtent we? Try him here as Hooke was there.”

“Thou Shalt Not Suffer a Witch to Live” Jones is really a very ugly woman.

Adam O'Farrell is really a Papist spy. The idiot act is wonderfully convincing though.

The King is in excellent health.

There are many ways to get messages across. We recommend wingéd messenger kittens.

Someone went up on an expedition to fix the sun and found something the Vatican really doesn't want us to hear…

Queen Anne has the pox, from all that sex she's been having with the Catholic cardinal.

Gwendolyn de Vries was eaten by a Kraken - a horrible way to go.

“Haunted? Bollocks is it.”
“Nah, my cousin John's the sexton there, he says there's been banging noises, ghostly howling, all sorts…“
“Maybe it's one of them Familiar Spirits? I hear some cathedrals have 'em.”
“Well I wouldn't be surprised, maybe it's angry the Bishops's left.”
“Either way, I'm not going to mass at Leeds this Easter. Stick with my home church, thanks…“

“Wonder if I could persuade a Catholic to run off with my daughter.”

Princess Mary wanted to go Italian and Glastonbury got a bit confused.

“Oh thank you dom Alonso, whatever would we do without you?! It would be an honour if you were the godfather of my son.”

“Wyndham is neither Priest nor Theurge - why would he try to exorcise the young Princes?”

“Bloody hell, that was a night and a half!”
“What've you been up to with that smug grin on your face?”
“Performing at the Rose! I tell you, there's no other place for a jobbing poet! Sod this pamphleteering lark, if I get treated like that for a twelve-liner on the virtues of womanly thighs, I'm there every night!”

news/2.5.txt · Last modified: 2007/11/13 17:09 by helen