Turn 5 News

News received for January in the Year of Our Lord 1606

News in England is distributed by a wide variety of ways. These include notices pasted on the boards of Churches and Taverns and notes sent around the courtiers by the messengers of the nobility and gentry. The most popular distribution however is from the pulpit and the press - the priests and preachers of all churches pass news onto their congregations in town and countryside while many write and publish pamphlets they distribute far and wide. Here follows a collection of the most interesting and important news.

A pamphlet distributed during the Catholic pilgrimage to Arundel, asking all to pray for the Bishop's soul.

My Fellows in the Faith we have always Thought the Bishop of Arundel a Good Man, a man of Piety and Integrity, selected by our father the Pope. And long now he has Proved himself a Tireless Champion of the Church in this Benighted Land that has turned its face Away from the Truth of God. But now he seems to seek to Shake our Faith in him. For he wears clothes styled like unto those of the Priests that place a Mortal King over the Inheritor of the Crown of St Peter.

Our Faith will never be Shaken and we must Ensure that the Bishop find his own Firm Footing in the One Faith again. Keep him in your Prayers and Beseech the Lord to guide him from this Dalliance with Anglican Doctrines. Approach him in his Church and in the Street and with Gentle Remonstrance lead him away from foul Protestantism. Wash away his Doubts with your Certainties.

We have all stumbled upon the Path to God, help the Bishop up from his Fall.

A notice pinned on various public locations around London

A most fantastic venture of the countryside, and quite unlike anything one ever experiences in London. The Festival was a most awing event and perhaps the best festival any have seen for a decade. Such entertainment and education have never been so graciously combined and the Earl of Arundel must be a skillful man indeed to have achieved this.

Great statues of Unicorns and Lions towering above the people, and all manner of people arriving at the location to discuss the beautiful land of England.

It must be that the Lords of London and the country beyond must be capable of on some small scale replicating the magnificence of Arundel, if only so that all the people of England may have the pleasure of such a gathering.

From “The Rake of Fashion”, a small pamphlet updated weekly, and sold in the more exclusive tailors and dressmakers.

The Rake marvels at the new fashions displayed by Sir Alexander Cross. Of course, we've seen many of the elements before - gleaming white feathers, shining pendants and most daring hats, but this is something entirely new! Our Speaker of the House has donned a full costume of a most exclusive type. Fine threads, stylish patterns and a look so fine and refined we've had every one of our pamphleteers chase after the man just to see!

More than that, the Rake has discovered the source of such an exclusive outfit. But a small tailor from London, the emporium of Matthew Moorcastle has produced many similar outfits for a small circle of refined gentlemen.

Though we tried to obtain a fine piece of fashion history for ourselves, we were unable to! For such commissions are available only to a small circle of friends and a recommendation must be obtained before Master Moorcastle will pick up the needle. The Rake is truly amazed.

From 'Reflections upon the Sins of Man' by Sir Alexander Cross

“…And I do Confess that at the Age of four I was oft-times overcomes with Greed and would disobey my Father’s wishes and would Steal cakes from the Kitchen…I daily fight against my Slothful nature and Oft am defeated, Whereupon I do lapse into a State of Insensate Lethargy…And from the Time when I came into my manhood I have indulged in many Lustful thoughts about fine Women of my acquaintance, and have been Struck most Envious of their Fortunate Husbands….At times I am given to Low Thoughts of petty Vengeance against Certain wellmeaning and noble Celestial Entities, and Even have been so Arrogant as to Question the Wisdom of the Lord in appointing some of these Individuals to his Host. All these Sins I do Repent.”

The short publication describes various of Sir Alexander's sins, some major and some minor. While there are indeed many sins here, there is nothing striking and terrible.

Overheard in a tavern catering to disreputable young gentlemen.

Have you heard that Sir Alexander has employed a pretty young linguist to teach him Dutch?

A linguist, eh? Oh ho… wait! What good does that do him? He's a man! I suppose it might please some of his maids but

No, she's teaching Dutch not Italian. Or at least supposedly she's teaching him Dutch. They're certainly spending a lot of time together if you know what I mean.

Oh, I think so. Teaching him her tongue, eh?

Yes, and it seems he's visited the Netherlands alone with her…

In the parish newsletter of one of the Anglican churches of Westminster

… and then that Holy Priest did Cry out in a Great Voice, “Begone! Foul not these Scared Rites with your Presence.” And at this Sir Simony do Laugh but the Power of the Lord did Compel him and Drive him Forth. In Hate did the Seethe and Raise his Hands forth in Summoning. A great Wingéd Demon answered his Dark Commands and did Strike against the Church building…

From a Catholic pamphlet lamenting the defeat of the Holy Church and her allies in the Spanish Netherlands.

… the Loyal and Faithful did Fall upon their Knees in Supplication. Have you not Defeated the armies of our King? Are ye not Satisfied to have brought us under the Heel of the Schismatics? Must you Burn our Houses of Worship too? But within his Dark Armour that doth Glow with the suppressed Flames of Hell his Heart was Moved Not. And he held up his Hell-Blade and bade his Men fill the great Cathedral of the One True Faith with kindling…

Happening far from London these tales may have grown in the telling.

an excerpt from “Good Morrow” a regular pamphlet discussing the doings of the nobles

At the Invisible College Samuel Harris, one of only three alchemists in England known to be capable of making undying flowers, has locked himself away in his study! Indeed, an Alchemist of Note within the College itself confirmed to me that from a study of the Effluvia produced (what is left over from the practise of alchemy) Professor Harris can, indeed, only be working on these most wonderful of flowers that will bloom forever, come acid or volcano fire, to grace Princess Elizabeth on her wedding day.

I have even heard that the Princess has commissioned an engagement ring and pair of wedding rings from the metalworker Dame Fiametta Castaldi. Yet another sign that the wedding surely must be soon!

From a playbill distributed in London.
Some see the Latest Work of the Brilliant William Brandage and the New and Yet Improved Lord Admiral's Men. Marvel at the Sights and Sounds of Distant Zilmatillia, exotic land of Mystery and Strange Customs. Meet the Brave Ambassador with Ventures forth to Learn the Ways of the World Outside her Islands and of her Countless Adventures. An Uplifting tale that will Fill Your Heart with Joy. There will be Windmills. (Safety review pending).

The play portrays Zilmatillia as a hellish place, in fact it may even be one of the outer circles of Hell itself. It fills the audience with fear and xenophobia and there is an upsurge in beatings of foreign sailors and traders across Southwark. At least one person was reportedly injured during rehearsals.

From “The Huntsman's Gazette”
The Great Wolf Hunt sallied forth, with Horns Blowing and Hounds Coursing through the woods as canine Loyal to Man raced in Pursuit of canine Hungry for the His Flesh. In the Lead came the Duke of Somerset resplendent in his Ducal Regalia and accompanied by a large body of Troops from his Regiment. He quickly left those who sought to aid him in the Chase behind and only the occasional Glimpse could be caught of him. Some say he was accompanied by a Mystical Hunting Companion though reports vary as to whether it took the form of a Boar, Bear or Lion. Whatever the case the Wolves that haunted Yorkshire are no more though Strangely no bodies were recovered.

The Duke has toured the breadth of the North with his Men and was Received Most Warmly throughout, as befits the Conviviality that should Exist between all True Huntsmen and women.

The wedding of Sir Richard to Dame Karin was a wondrous occasion, and almost everyone who was anyone was there.

The ceremony was performed by the Archbishop of York in Sir Richard's local church in Kirkby. As the couple recited their vows beautiful flowers appeared to erupt from the ground around their feet, a halo of perfumed blooms growing to surround them. Those versed in the symbolism of flowers would recognise the Stephanosis and ivy both as symbols of happiness in marriage, and the red and white roses twining together as symbols of eternal love and unity. A few sprays of mock orange complimented Dame Karin's dress, and there was a faint scent of rosemary mingled in with the perfume of the roses.

Those with an eye on fashion noticed that the ring Dame Karin presented her husband with bears all the hallmarks of a Castaldi.

One of the readings was a particularly lovely poem proclaiming Sir Richard's love for Dame Karin, the virtues of chastity, temperance and the importance of love for your wife (as well as King and God) above money and all other things.

The couple left the church through a sword arch, organised by some of Lord Luca's men.

The reception afterwards was splendid, with no expense spared to ensure the guests enjoyed themselves. A number of guards, provided by Lord Luca, ensured that everything went smoothly and overly merry guests were prevented from causing any embarrassment to themselves.

As a wedding present, the King gave the happy couple the titles Viscount and Viscountess of Sefton.

A few translated pamphlets make their way from Saxony to England.

Lo, did an Archangel appear before the massed armies of Saxony. Silver shone her armour in the dawn light, and the Fire of the Lord did bur most Fierce in her Sword. Her voice was lyke unto the sound of a hundred men, and she did lead the troops in prayer for Victory.

The men of Brandenburg, seeing that the Lord rightly favoured Saxony, did cower when faced with the Burning Sword of the Angel. Their lines were Torn Asunder, and the men of Saxony did grant Mercy on them, accepting their Surrender.

Work of an unknown playwright, this was performed by both OULES and ICLES, the newly founded light entertainment societies of Oxford and the Invisible College. It details the adventures of an obnoxious Scot (with some resemblance to Laird Gordon Duncan, Witch-hunter General) who visits relatives in the South and is horrified by how prevalent evil witcheries are in their every day lives. Copies are circulated, and an extract from the meal scene follows

Susan: Prithee Duncan, dear cos, do sit thee down
and dine with us this night.

Duncan McMortified: SIT DOWN? By GOD!
How darest thee woman, for did not Satan,
Prince of sin and black treachery Himself,
design chairs, through evil magics, purely
for the purpose of encouraging men
into the great sin of sloth? And pride,
for, lo, doth not a chair become a throne?

Martin: Very well then Duncan, stand if thou must,
but here, Susan, thy dear Cousin hath set
for thee her finest work, a leg of lamb.

Duncan McMortified: Blasphemy! this meat is cooked and cooking
can only be done with fire, which all know
springeth only, through the vilest of arts,
from the very depths of the inferno,
domain and realm of he, the prince of lies.
And thou eatest with a fork, dear cousin
like unto the pitchforks of the servants
of evil…

”…his grace the Bishop of Hereford has been attending most diligently to the reconstruction of his property this season, after the destruction of the Southwark Cattery in fire and bloodshed not four months ago. Meanwhile, His Grace has plans to extend the cattery to include a kennel for stray dogs, removing those pitiful and sometimes dangerous creatures from the streets; this in addition to the Saint Mary Home for Fallen Women, has prompted speculation that an orphanage will be next, and soon Bishop Wells-Lacy will take in all the strays of London…”

You will be offered a cat to look after by the Bishop of Hereford from the Southwark Cattery. It is entirely up to you whether you accept or refuse this most gracious gift, but please inform us in your next turnsheet what you have done.

An extract from the trial report.

Upon presentation of the evidence and with this having been duly considered, don Santiago was found Not Guilty of the allegations that he did accept bribes from smugglers.

A pamphlet signed by “The Herald of the Endtimes”, a Puritan Zealot.

And is it not Enough for the Archbishop of York, for so he Styles himself as though he were closer to God than the least Sinner, to take the Confessions of a man as if he were a degenerate Papist? No, it is not. Now he Apes the Dress and Style of the Papists too. He has clad himself in the Rayment of the Servant of the Adversary in Rome and so we must Treat him!

Ware my brothers, this Church of England is built upon Sand and not the Rock of Faith. For just as the Archbishop of York reveals himself to be a Friend and Imitator of the Catholics we hear that they are Permitted to Preach their Corrupted version of the Scriptures in the King's Court. Can you not Doubt that the King himself has Heard their Whispers in his Ears? Ware, for Soon those of Pure Faith will be Tested Again as we were in the Time of Bloody Mary.

A pamphlet circulated around London by the Lord Mayor

I urge all citizens to remain calm. Rumours of beasts stalking the streets at Night are nothing but creations of those who have over indulged in far too much Strong Drink and Fantastical Literature.

In totally unrelated news, a notice posted in the Royal Zoo

Unfortunatley the panthers Nippur and Ninevah will no longer be available for viewing by the public, after vistors were found to be Provoking them to Ill Temper.

…And lo, within the last month we have had reports from as far afield as Chiswick, Northumberland, Teesdale, Shrewsbury and Devon, that this Man, who appears as if Made Of, or Covered In, the very Bees of the Land, did leap into the pulpits of the Churches and preach HERESY and BLASPHEMY from the very lecterns…

…for lo, this creature says that it is sent as a Messenger from some Demon or other Creature known as the HIVE, which seeks for it devotees to do its foul bidding… and it offers great temporal rewards, riches and the fulfilment of carnal desires, for those who will but follow it into temptation… this is no doubt a temptation sent from Hell itself to test the integrity of the great English Church…!

There are several pamphlets reporting the same events, with explanations varying from 'a sign of the apocalypse' to 'a student prank'. Some have even seen the Man Made Of Bees in the streets of London, handing out trinkets and gold to the unwary.

From the regular pamphlet “The Gardener's Guide”
…Of course we can dismiss the Rumours that reach our ears from Hertfordshire out of hand. The genus Leguminosae, home of the common Bean, has no members that Tower to a height of several Hundred Feet nor do they Illuminate the surrounding Countryside. It is most likely mere Peasant Cuperstition or a garbled retelling of a Great Oak which has been struck by Lightening. But to make your own beans grow to a height of at least a few feet you must turn the soil regularly…

From “The City Idler”, a popular serial pamphlet including reviews of recent plays and performances.

“What is this, I hear you cry? Your latest delivery to town-house, coffee-house, bawdy-house or wherever it is that my esteemed audience receive copies of my humble pamphlets - contained no City Idler to cause envy in the neighbours and apoplexy in the vicar? What infamy is this!? Why, my friends, it is because this week your humble correspondent is not a City Idler, nor even a Country Idler, but - a Holy Roman Idler! Yes, your correspondent's dedication for the artistic output of Mistress Rebecca Lanik (no sniggering at the back) has taken him all the way to the court of the Emperor Rudolf II, who (stop it, don't think I can't see you, anyway isn't she engaged or Lutheran or something?) holds his court in Prague, centre of wisdom and culture (I assure you my dedication is purely professional)!

Mistress Lanik's translation (for those few of you ill-mannered louts who speak the local dialect) is quite excellent, and indeed the local populace seems particularly impressed by her work - a mixture of her own greatest successes and Master Brandage's best crowd-pullers (isn't it nice to see such former rivals working together in harmony? A little bird tells me that The Man In The Rose has been breathing down both their necks), with a little extra spice thrown in. Indeed, Mistress Lanik seems to be taking some advantage of the very liberal speech and blasphemy laws in Prague, adding content to her plays that might have her censored or worse in Chiswick - or maybe that's just an error in translation.

While here, your humble correspondent has of course been in the company of the great Astrologer and Inventor Master Tycho Brahe, who…”

From the Critique of Pure Reasonableness, an occasional pamphlet discussing the plays and performances of the plays of the Companies of London Players.

…and we are used to Great Fancies sweeping the stages of London. Last season did we not Suffer under a glut of Patriotic Melodramas damning the cowardly Spaniards and calling the youth of Albion to arms? But it is not quite so unusual to find two plays Praising the same man, for here we detect the hand of the Patron steering his playwrights to a Suitable Subject.

But we do not Complain for now we have the chance to Compare the work of two of the newest and most Noted wielders of the Pen tackling the same subject - the Archbishop of York. Both plays tell the tale of a Great and Good man beset by a Demon.

In Rebecca Lanik's play this Demon is only too real, a foul presence Bestriding the Stage wrapped in Smoke and belching Fire. (The Effects are noteworthy for such a Small Budget.) Eventually it is revealed that it is the Bishop of Catford who has Unleashed this creature on his Fellow in the faith and with his Grisly Demise the Archbishop is released from his Torment.

William Brandage takes a much more indirect line. The Evil Doppelgänger that apes the Archbishop's face is never seen directly, only the ruin he visits upon the Innocent York. This being unleashed by Lucifer himself cannot in the end undo the Archbishop's good work, for though he is a man of some Flaws, he is great with the Word of God and the doppelgänger is forced to Slink back to his Pit never once seen.

And which play is the Superior? Well the Critique has little difficulty in saying that…

A pamphlet circulated around less reputable drinking establishments

Praise be to the Saint of Beer! Praise be to the Reliquarly in Arundel Cathedral, which does bear his Most Holy Bones! Let all go to Arundel who may, to worship at the Cathederal Church of St Lawrence of Arundel on his Most Holy Feast Day!

A more restrained pamphlet, circulated around Catholic churches some time later.

Catholics from all parts of England made their way to the Cathedral Church of St Lawrence of Arundel to celebrate the newly created feast of St Lawrence. There was a joyous celebration of the Catholic faith in England. On the day itself Cardinal Otromano did give mass, and many were welcomed into the fold with baptism.

From a copy of one of the Scottish pamphlets that occasionally make it over the border and into general circulation

Our own Witch-hunter General of King James visited the Court and Kingdom of the English. Though he has found witches, he informs us of a surprising reality, that unlike rumours and common hearsay, the land is not oppressed by foul witcheries! We must rejoice, people of Scotland, that our neighbours, though misguided in the past, seem to have begun to make amends and do change their ways.

Or is this the work of their new King Henry? Who has turned against his mother, who favoured the Foul Crafts, and Blessed England with a Godly Freedom!

An extract from an Anglican sermon.

Who would do wrong unto children, taking them into his confidence and abusing their trust in a most hideous and terrible way. For he hath turned from the Path of our Lord and done many things to offend God and Church. Yet the Bishops would presume to name him Archbishop of Canterbury and Primate of all England.

Do we not know that he hath conducted foul practice with goat-entrails, adopting the practices of Witches, Pagans and Demonic Worshippers? This man is trully fallen and condemned to burn in the most violent fires of Gehenna!

A few other sermons in similar vein have been herd throughout the Anglican churches.

An English patriotic war pamphlet - “The Dragon”, published in Amsterdam by Lieutenant Richard Ball

We Rejoice in God's deliverance of the Protestant Dutch by the Aid of Blessed England and Harry. The last of the treacherous Spaniards have now left the Low Countries, fleeing from the Righteous Anger of the English forces.

Look to the Channel where Admiral Taylor sinks every last Spanish ship and cuts the Spanish down as they flee into the water. Look to the walls of Dunkerque where Lord-General Belvoir and Colonel de Vries enter the city in Triumph and Glory. Dunkerque is fallen! The Spanish are scattered! Rejoice!

By the brilliant manoeuvres of the army commanders and almost supernatural coordination of forces, the remnants of the Spanish armies and the fresh reinforcements have been entirely defeated. We now eagerly await the decision of our King whether to pursue the Foul Spaniard to his home.

From a declaration made in the Dutch Republic's States-General (Parliament)

…that the land of our brethren, formerly oppressed by a foreign power, be reunited permanently with the Republic…

…and all other land except the city of Dunkerque which will henceforth be an English free-port. For as the English King has liberated it, so he may now direct its run and purpose for the Glory and Prosperity of both our States.

An announcement made by the Republic of Netherlands and presented to the Lord Chamberlain for the consideration of His Majesty King Henry IX of England

… that you may become our liege in name. For a state must have a monarch and should be called a Kingdom and be ruled by your faithful subjects if you would but permit this. So that the title of the King of the Netherlands may be a proud and glorious achievement of your Person.

The announcement continues on to describe the arrangements which essentially provision for a purely ceremonial title.

An pamphlet of advice, addressed to the King, but printed for city distribution

… and while our fortunes still hold and yet the whole of Europe is not up in arms against our Kingdom, let us take all our advantages. For if we were to carry on the war and presume to crush the Spanish beneath us, we will no doubt offend Austria and other states who would turn against us and call us a New Spain and declare us the Oppressive Power it once was. Yet more, we must tax our own people to carry on the fight and such excess can be truly detrimental - would we ruin our own home for a scrap more of revenge?

Signed by the Earl of Salisbury. There are many other similar pamphlets. It is known that the Privy Council has advised the King of a similar problem.

an excerpt from a pamphlet encouraging people to join the Venerable Order

Just these past months the Spanish have been made to Quake and Shiver in their beds, for the Order is Abroad! Both Cadiz and Santiago de Compostela have known the Fury of our Canons, as the Catholics were taught the Bravery of our English Boys!

With dashing derring-do the Spanish Galleons, groaning with gold, were cut loose from their moorings in Cadiz, and the Gold taken as Rightful Reparations for the damage the Spanish have inflicted upon us!

It goes on. And on. And on.

Notice presented at the Parliamentary Lodgings in York

The extraordinary motion of War Taxes was passed into law.

The motion for Witchcraft has been considered so serious business as to be left to the next Parliament to decide.

Other minor and major votes on laws are described.

—

The King has decreed that Parliament shall be dissolved with the favourable conclusion of war in the Netherlands and that a new Parliament should be called within the next year to further guide England.

A Closing Ceremony will be performed in York in Early February.

Did you see that witch? Flying through the middle of London in broad daylight, hanging by one leg from a flying staff and clutching a naked woman!
Good to hear our Brave Boys are out in Spain, fighting the heretics.
Another load of idiots has gone out to Spain to annoy the Spanish and nick their gold.
The Venerable Order is down a leader, Sarah's finally disappeared.
Did you hear about the disgrace with the Manila Galleon? Half the privateer fleet got wrecked off Hawaii!
So this young man with bright gold hair ran into my bank, demanded that the staff tell him where she was, then ran straight back out again. I tried to follow him but he was already out of sight by the time I reached the street.
Don't let Sir Simony in your church, he's bent on destroying them!
There was a woman working the fields in Daresbury, wouldn't accept food or payment, and there was this witch following her around.
Did you see the Admiral's new cravat? Wouldn't have thought him the type to be fashionable, but there you go.
I hear that Boy the Viscount Surat keeps around is really a prince of same savage tribe from the Americas, due to inherit a vast kingdom some day soon! ….I also hear he's disappeared….
Did you hear about that fellow in Bedlam who's convinced he's Sir Alexander Cross? Dreadfully amusing! Apparently he does excellent impressions of the Speaker, as well…
That cane that Sir Theodocius Dawkins carries everywhere? It was endowed with magical powers by a demon… in exchange for his soul!
I hear the Earl of Arundel had a giant sea-serpent washed up on a beach near his residence, and has been taking guided tours of the remains. Eurgh!
I'm not saying it was the Earl of Doncaster, I'm just saying it looked an awful lot like him. And woof! Did he have some stamina! It was almost unearthly…
One of Oswyn's Angels says her baby was stolen by cats! Yes, the one who also maintains she's a virgin.
Sir Alexander is full of terrible sins… how can we have this man as MP?
I hear the armies of Somerset and Daresbury had a staring match, when the Duke nearly invaded Daresbury…I mean, visited the Baron.
A sign! A large cross appeared over Mother Rachel's abbey. She must be truly blessed!