Sir Alexander Cross – Defenestrationist Extraordinaire

An extract from the character background of Sir Alexander Cross, Wastrel and Agent of God?

[…]

On the morning of his twenty-fifth birthday, a being looking remarkably like the Archangel Michael stormed into Alex's chambers, pulled him out of bed and threw him out of the window. When he picked himself out the wisteria he found himself confronted by a small posse of martial looking angelic beings who informed him that 'he worked for them now'. As far as he knows Alex now works as an occasional troubleshooter for Heaven, which is a bit much like effort but beats being a punching bag for the Heavenly Host. To make sure he does his job and keep him out of trouble he's been assigned an angelic guardian named Hodniel. Hod is a fairly aloof sort and frequently chastises Alex for his slovenly lifestyle. Alex restrains the urge to try binding Hod into an automated grape peeling device.

[…]

From the turnsheet response of Sir Alexander Cross, written by Fed.

Sir Theodocius Dawkins arrives, as promised, to make an inspection of your resident Duke. After several hours of preparations and drawing circles and clever sorcerous manipulations which you carefully note in your head (later you recognise it as the Rhombus Daemonicus, notes of which you already possess) he asks you to step into the circle. After that things become a little hazy, you suspect that Sir Theodocius drew the demon out of you temporarily and asked it questions, but you're not entirely sure. After some time (you're not really sure how long) you suddenly hear a deafening buzz and snap out of the trance you were in with a crash and an enormous headache. You are confronted by a wonderful scene.

The window at the back of the room is broken, reminiscent of your own adventures, and the trumpeting, trampling Angelic host once more occupies the room. You soon realise that they are in fact shouting at you, loudly (which doesn't help the headache), about consorting with Sorcerers and playing around with demons without proper precautions. After they depart you look out of the broken window but Sir Theodocius appears to have grumbled off. You can probably solve part of the mystery when you meet him again.

From the turnsheet response of Sir Theodocius Dawkins, written by Fed.

You visit the house of Alexander Cross - it seems the Houseguest he wants evicted is from his person rather than from his house. You draw a circle around Alexander himself and attempt a modified summoning ritual which should allow you to communicate with Alexander's passenger.

To your mild surprise, the guest turns out to be no less than a Duke of Hell! It is unwilling to reveal its name. Which is unsurprising, when you speak longer and discover quite how Bloody Furious the creature is. It seems that the Duke is trapped inside Alexander's head, and unable to leave due to a surfeit of Bees. Alexander was cursed by a powerful witch, and unfortunately this has kept the unfortunate demon from being able to leave. And the demon is convinced that the only way to remove it is to remove the bees first.

Among the cursing and swearing (which is most instructive - you learn some interesting new words that you never knew existed in the Demonic Tongue before), you understand that it intends to make Alexander's life hell, and once it gets out it intends to Eat the unfortunate fellow and lay waste to anything else nearby. Its mood has not been improved by his use of Theurgy, which it (understandably) finds quite upsetting.

Unfortunately, before you have a chance to find out any more information you hear a buzzing, as of a swarm of bees. Shortly after this, a Host of Angels martial come storming toward you and throw you bodily out of the window. Luckily you happen to be on the first floor, but this is still quite an upsetting turn of events.

An extract from the turnsheet of Sir Alexander Cross, MP.

[…] Ascending the Tower of London I will confront the Flaming Sword that guards the Crown Jewels and then attempt to kick the stuffing out of it. (Daredevil- Fighting 5- Speciality: Beating up Floating, Flaming, Angelic Swords) My theory is that should his Sword/Avatar face defeat then Uriel will direct his full attentions to the matter, at which point I should be able to ask him some probing questions about Bishop Mary's where-abouts. In the unlikely event of my not managing to defeat the unconquered guardian of Eden then I shall wave my Angel feathers at it, shout “Aaargh, ohshitohshitohshit I'm sorrryyy!” and hurl myself out of a window into the large haystack I will have arranged to place below.

Written by Fed.

Rushed as you are however, you barely have time to consider tactics for fighting the Flaming Sword and ascend the Tower of London full of hope, but not much else. Barely having time to draw your own sword you are confronted by the Flaming Sword of Uriel, gleaming with a white fire and radiating holy terror. On balance, you decide that jumping out of the window right now would be advisable.

Thank the Lord for the bale of hay you thoughtfully placed there. Remarkably when you're awake you are confronted by Hodniel who suggest it is VITALLY important that you, right now, get to Bramblecombe, Dorset. You meet up with both Sir Richard Molyneux and the Baron Daresbury travelling in the same direction and ride through the night…

Write a note to Elizabeth (Pollyanna) saying that I'd very much like to talk to her, that I want to help her, and that I'd like to know more about her. Leave a blank piece of paper, ink and a quill on the bedside table.

You leave a beautifully-written note and soon await a reply. The next day when you return to your bed-chambers after a long, and alas dull (the King failed to be present or play any instruments), day you detect the pleasant smell of rosemary from all around you. Within seconds Polyanna appears, but that is the last thing you remember before you black-out.

You groan awake with a splitting headache and misty vision. It takes time to concentrate or anything, but you are confronted by a most unpleasant scene. The room seems to have been positively overturned, the bed messed up and with the occasional spot of blood and scratch marks on some of the furniture.

Before you have time to entirely compose yourself the door is ripped off its hinges, missing your head by scant inches, and the Host once again piles into the small chamber (with little difficulty it seems) and proceed to send you on your way through the nearest window. When you shake your head into sense in the garden one of the Angels is already striding up to shouting “What did you just do?!” After further shouting, screaming and berating, the Host partially disperses and Hodniel comes to the front. He explains to you that this must be fixed, lest you fail entirely in your task - Polyanna must be re-united with her husband and you yourself must confess your sins and attain repentance by seeking penance.

You realise later that Polyanna has stopped turning up when you're around, though you're sure she's still attached to the general location. Of more curiosity is the box you use as a paper-weight… when you inspect it you are sure it has nine corners when it should have but eight. No matter how you turn it, the box makes no sense… (Please turn up to court smelling of Rosemary… or represent this somehow IC)

An extract from the turnsheet of Sir Alexander Cross, MP.

First things first, I go to York Cathedral and confess all the sins I can think of to the Archbishop. Hopefully he won't flip out and chuck me through a stained glass window.

Next up I'll have to write a public account of my transgressions. It's embarrassing, but it beats a kicking from burly Angels with steel-toecapped sandals.

I'm going for 'Wow, Sir Alexander is very Pious to admit all this' rather than 'Wow, Sir Alexander really has been a naughty boy', so I'll try to word my sins in as socially acceptable a way as possible. It occurs to me that listing all the very minor sins I've committed will help to drown out the major ones.

Reflections upon the Sins of Man- By Alexander Cross

”…And I do Confess that at the Age of four I was oft-times overcomes with Greed and would disobey my Father's wishes and would Steal cakes from the Kitchen… I daily fight against my Slothful nature and Oft am defeated, Whereupon I do lapse into a State of Insensate Lethargy…And from the Time when I came into my manhood I have indulged in many Lustful thoughts about fine Women of my acquaintance, and have been Struck most Envious of their Fortunate Husbands….At times I am given to Low Thoughts of petty Vengeance against Certain wellmeaning and noble Celestial Entities, and Even have been so Arrogant as to Question the Wisdom of the Lord in appointing some of these Individuals to his Host. All these Sins I do Repent.”

Written by Fed.

Using Lodestone (remember to phys-rep) you are led to the Netherlands (perhaps unsurprisingly) and Amsterdam where you eventually ascertain the intended recipient.

The recipient of the letter turns out to be a Dutch Company conjurer by the name of Jan Vandermeer, who is currently recovering from an attempted suicide. (This is very shocking at this time!). You speak to him and he tells you how desolate he became missing the one true love of his life. He will not shut up about her and how wonderful she is. It turns out the letter is from her. He is now making preparations to track her down.

While talking to him, outside you notice a shadowy figure who seems to start when you show yourself at the window, as if she recognises you. She departs in a hurry. You point this out to your interpreter who hurls herself out the window, accidentally knocking you out with her. She lands catlike upon her feet and races off. You land sprawling on your back, the breath knocked out of you.

When the interpreter returns she informs you she's been unable to catch the spy and then proceeds to curse in Dutch. You try to memorise the words.

Written by Fed.

Ensuring you have picked the best words for your public confession and ensured it would be correctly received…

You go to the Archbishop in York and confess your sins, though part-way through you realise that the Host has crowded into the Cathedral right up to the rafters. Alas, there is nothing you can do about it and they may as well witness the event. Once you come to the conclusion of your sorry tale of sin the Archbishop suddenly appears to shudder and speak Old English before picking you up with unholy strength and propelling you through a stained-glass window. You are surprised to find there is no crashing and pain while you move through the window and as you look back it appears whole. You have little time to contemplate the meaning of this and expect to land and break your neck. Fortunately you are picked up by the angels who have just quit the Cathedral and are informed by Hod that “This will do.”

Alex sits at his desk, absently tossing the Wittenburg box from hand to hand. A moment's distraction sends the heavy container clattering to the floor as Alex flails wildly in his attempts to catch it. Placing the box on his desk with a sigh he leans forward rests his arms on the cold metal.

“You around, Hod? You're probably around somewhere. Anyway I'm wondering what to do with this thing- D'Alembert says it’s a source of phenomenal Demonic power. Now naturally my initial impulse is to bind it into a machine for darning socks - I mean, that's the logical solution isn't it? But then it occurs to me that I'll have you and Michael and everyone else stomping down here and throwing me out of bed, and complaining about the Feetwarmers of the Damned.”

“So I suppose what I'm asking Hod, is what is this thing, and what do you want me to do with it? I can't afford to be thrown out of that window for a while - the gardener was near in tears last time. Poor old fellow gives his all to that wisteria, he doesn't deserve the heartache, you know?”

Written by Ivan.

[…] The thing starts to laugh, a great rumbling laugh that starts in its stomach and erupts sickeningly out. The bubbling laugh is horrific. But it's even more horrific when the things head flops forward as if it has suddenly gone to sleep and the laugh continues uninterrupted from Edward de Vries' throat.

“Surprised Cross? Edward doesn't seem to pieced it together either. That sometimes I come out and borrow his little shell. It fits so snugly and I can have such fun. Fun like this.”

Edward's body lashes out at you with his flaming sword, it whistles past your ear as you are forced to hurl yourself backward into the horrible slick wetness of the bodies and blood. You quickly pick yourself up, sword out and ready to defend yourself. But the thing that possesses Edward is immensely fast and is upon you already. It picks you up and hurls you out through the church's small-stained glass window. You immediately sprout your wings and bring yourself to a halt before you can hit the ground.

[…]