News received for September in the Year of Our Lord 1606
News in England is distributed by a wide variety of ways. These include notices pasted on the boards of Churches and Taverns and notes sent around the courtiers by the messengers of the nobility and gentry. The most popular distribution however is from the pulpit and the press - the priests and preachers of all churches pass news onto their congregations in town and countryside while many write and publish pamphlets they distribute far and wide. Here follows a collection of the most interesting and important news.
A special-edition of “The Dragon” pamphlet by Captain Richard Ball, released in England as well as the Dunkerque and the Netherlands
… all confusion and battle the raged for over a week and such many things did occur that we have yet not established, and may never indeed establish, the right flow of events that did occur.
The retaliation against the great Archduke of the Abyss began with the safety of the people, arrange for by a Magical strom of Mistress Apollonia and the Baroness Wargrave, who with most Blessed intentions did divert the common people from the path of the Demonic horde. A thunderous storm, made all the more loud and terrible by the crack of Lord Braganza's artillery, filling the air with more smoke until a great explosion ripped right through the ranks of demons.
For I am informed that a Franzberg device, most potent and deadly, had been employed with favourable result.
The Angelic Host, now the longest-fighting force of all the battle, did race to seperate the demonic adherents and minor minions that Sir Theodocius of Cain's College Oxford and also of the Invisible College of London could arrange a containment of the foul brood…
… from the two sides of the surrounded demon emerged two champions of England. Major-General de Vries and his Dragoons, the glory of which has far outpaced all other soldiers of the realm, the Cross of Saint George bright on his Shield and armour Flaming in the dim light. Across the field, Sir Alexander, a sudden bright and most blessed light, upon a mythic steed, a Silver Unicorn, and brandishing a gleaming sword and leading the Angelic Host.
Then clashed together, bloody, dirty, tough, the three mighties fight. Then Moloch beaten back, taking to the air and Sir Alexander sprouting angelic wings and taking after him, till he can rain down blows and grabbing him by the very neck hews off the foul wings, screaming at the Demon with a Holy and Terrifying Rage.
The fall to earth and de Vries' sword delivering the mortal blow upon it's twisted form.
All confusion, we are told, as Sir Alexander stops its foul return to Hell, that Moloch may forever be destroyed, then silence. A deadly stillness, and all must flee from that foul place, for barely minutes later there was the most shattering blow upon that very tuft of Earth.
… fair Abingdon destoyed, its land forever blighted in a sacrifice to rid this world forever of such a foul stench. The brave defenders of our realm risking all.
Matthias Kimmons, formerly at La Valette College of Malta, is one of many astrologers attempting to provide an explanation for the unpredicted solar eclipse and the image of a wolf filling the sky where the sun should have been, in his pamphlet “Astromony and You”.
This morning's unprecedented solar eclipse is no cause for alarm. The natural conflux of magical caused by such a major battle must naturally have caused some turbulence in the heavens, and that this should form into the shape of a wolf is perhaps natural considering WOLVES! IN THE SKY! THE END IS NIGH! THEY WILL FALL UPON US AND TEAR US…
It should be noted that he is not the most successful at this, and the run of pamphlets is rather short – some say due to the Lord Chamberlain having had Words with him.
A section from the sermon of a particularly frothy Catholic priest.
Not content with DEMANDING these most holy of RELICS be taken to their soil to secure peace, the ANGLICANS attempt to DESTROY them! Calling themselves the Saviour's followers, but no Christ he, but a BUTCHER, they did, with no care for lock nor visage of the Saints in glass, enter the CATHEDRAL of Arundel, there to be confronted by the DON SANTIAGO, who did defend the relics at risk of his LIFE, until help could be SUMMONED!
Need we any more example of the TREACHERY of the ANGLICANS?
A pamphlet circulated throughout London proclaiming the joys of life in the Venerable Order for women.
Why, just last week Captain Glory – and the name is surely appropriate – O'Keefe came back from defending the Gerard Canal from those who would see the Shipping Lanes grind to a halt! And not only was she doing her bit for King and Country, but I hear she made a tidy Profit, too! A second ship, the woman'll be an Admiral soon, mark my words!
And if you joined up you too could be! Though service starts before the mast, the possibilities for Advancement in the Order are only limited by you!
A subdued pamphlet is circulated around London, particularly those places where adventurous types may be found.
Whilst we all must mourn the passing of Sir Samuel Lightley, his Legacy shall not be Forgotten. As was his wish, the “Sir Samuel Fund for Exploration of the Volcanoes of Iceland, wherein are believed to reside Beasts most Wondrous” has been created, to ensure that any who wish to undertake Scholarly expeditions to Iceland shall have the means to do so.
A series of lurid pamphlets detailing the adventures of Captain James Cross in Spain, written by “An Observer”
…and so, leaping from the bedroom window of the maiden, and proclaiming that it was a “Pity about breakfast” the Captain stopped only to confront the regiment of Spanish regulars sent to Bring him down for Assault upon the Conde of Barcelona. Defeating them with a complicated manoeuvre involving a church bell, thirty feet of rope and a water wheel, he proceeded on…
…punching the sharks upon the Nose as he went, Captain Cross was halfway to England before he was Accosted by a vessel of Barbary Pirates, who were Most Surprised to have their ship taken out from under them, as Captain Cross registered the Complaint “Damned sharks, no sense of Direction!”
An extract from the sermon of a rather less frothy Catholic priest.
Without Cease did she work, tending to the fallen and Carrying them from Harm's way. Surely Captain O'Keefe should be an example to us all, of what one person can do when they are prepared to put aside worldly concerns and think only of the welfare of others.
From the “Weekly Report to Gentleman Farmer of Hertfordshire”, an agricultural pamphlet distributed in those parts.
… and what Truth of Fate to take from the Great Storm that has so recently Torn through our County. The Sky is rich with Omens this season, from the Blotting Out of the Sun and Snow in Summer to this great Maelstrom which Blows down Trees and Topples the Steeples of churches with it mighty Fangs of Lightning. More Disturbing though are the Rumours of the Foul Female Spirit that hid within the Storm. Many Witnesses report seeing a Woman most Fair and yet Most Lewd that did Dance Unclad under the Rain and commit the most Wanton of Acts with the Beasts in their Fields…
A playbill for a new performance to be staged at the Rose Theatre The Great and Well-Known Playwright William Brandage returns from his Honeymoon full of Good Cheer that he bids to spread to the Audience of London in the form of the light-hearted Comedy “Father Edward”. Meet a trio of Catholic Priests, the Fathers Edward, Jack and Donald, who live together on a Remote and Craggy Island off the Coast of the Rain-drenched Isle of Hibernia. Laugh at the Hysterical Japes that Ensue as Father Donald mistakes a Cow for the Archduke Moloch…
The play portrays the three Catholic priests as diabolicists, each worse than the last. Donald is a fool who delights in the thought of unleashing demons upon the English. Jack is a womaniser and sodomite who drinks and swears obsenely. And Edward of the title is an evil schemer who brings destruction and chaos to all around him. Audiences leaving the theatre often form mobs which beat those they identify or merely suspect of being Catholics. The Lord Chamberlain is forced to write a note banning the live sacrifice of animals on stage to protect audience members from the ritual sacrifice of the cow mistakenly identified as a vessel for Moloch and because of concerns it might really be a ritual of some sort.
”…can the good graces of the righteous Augustus Wells-Lacy be too loudly spoken? Surely not, for in addition to protecting the WOMEN and stray ANIMALS of London, he has now founded an ORPHANAGE for those unfortunate children who find themselves without homes or parents to care for them - saving them from vagrancy or worse, and particularly useful after so many families are left broken and homeless with the demon MOLOCH rampaging across the land…”
“REJOICE, ye faithful peoples of England! For added to our fold on this most righteous day is a new member of the Congregation of the Lord, a new herald of the True Church - a soul has been saved, and a Foreign soul at that; for SII MAOU, the mighty DRAGON of the AMERICAS, and companion of Her Excellency the Zilmatillian Ambassador, Meeash Han-Tiki Weatherwhite, has been BAPTISED and entered into the Grace of the Lord…!”
The pamphlet goes on to talk at some length about the baptism, which occurred shortly after the great Synod called by the Archbishop of York and was performed by some minor priest who became terribly enthusiastic about the idea.
From “The Rake of Fashion, a small pamphlet updated weekly, and sold in the more exclusive tailors and dressmakers.
The Royal Tailor, Oswyn Osillbury, ascends to a new high. His fantastic creations at the Royal Wedding will ensure that his name will live forever upon the lips of every man who appreciates a well-cut doublet and every woman that knows the value of quality dressmaking. The Rake looked on in awe as each creation surpassed the next. The Queen, may God Bless Her, appeared in one radiant concoction after another, each more beautiful than the last. Each a feast for the eye and pleasure to the soul. The Rake can only state with certainty that no such magnificence shall be seen again in our lifetime. The world around us seems greyer and oh so much less wondrous than that stupendous day.
And speaking of colour leeching out, what to make of the Major-General the Viscount de Vries? For the last few seasons he has allowed ever encroaching amounts of colour to enter onto the blackness of his clothes. Some have even jested that soon the sable might be reduced to mere trim. And now it is washed away. The Viscount broods in silent gloom and his shirt and trousers brood even more darkly, every hint of light and colour expunged.
From the Critique of Pure Reasonableness, an occasional pamphlet discussing the plays and performances of the plays of the Companies of London Players.
And the Renowned Playwright Master William Brandage reveals another side to his Many Talents. For he has written a most Pretty Sonnet and Dedicated it to his Fair Lady Wife, Rebecca , and to our Blessed Queen Elizabeth. It speaks most Movingly of the Love that Blossoms between Man and Woman and of the Joys of setting out in Life Together as Husband and Wife. This Gem of a sonnet must surely Please the Earl of Southampton who has Sponsored it most Greatly for it, and thus his Name, is upon the Lips of every Loving Couple in London.
The start of the Treaty of London, signed by King Henry IX and the Special Representative of the King of Spain shortly after the end of the last Court meeting.
It be Resolved that there shall be a Christian and Universal Peace, and a perpetual, true, and sincere Amity, between his Most Anglican Majesty, and his most Catholic Majesty; as also, between all and each of the Allies, and Adherents and its Heirs, and Successors. That this Peace and Amity be observ'd and cultivated with such a Sincerity and Zeal, that each Party shall endeavour to procure the Benefit, Honour and Advantage of the other; that thus on all sides they may see this Peace and Friendship in the Kingdom of England, Ireland and the Netherlands, and the Kingdom of Spain flourish, by entertaining a good and faithful Neighbourhood.
And that a reciprocal Amity between the Most Anglican King, and the Most Catholic King may be maintain'd so much the more firm and sincere (to say nothing at present of the Article of Security, which will be mention'd hereafter) the one shall never assist the present or future Enemys of the other under any Title or Pretence whatsoever, either with Arms, Money, Soldiers, or any sort of Ammunition; nor no one, who is a Member of this Pacification, shall suffer any Enemys Troops to retire thro' or sojourn in his Country.
The Duke of Somerset ensures that the Treaty is a watertight documents which binds Spain to her obligations most tightly. These are:
From a pamphlet in English upon the one side and Dutch upon the other.
All Good and Loyal Dutchmen should Salute the Work of the Duke of Somerset for he has Served the Needs of Our Kingdom and Commonwealth Most Well. He hath Strengthened England's Resolve so that the Spanish Tyrants were Expelled from Our Soil. He hath Soothed the Fierce Competition between the Trading Companies of our Allied Nations so that both have Waxed Right Well. Salute the Duke of Somerset, ever Loyal Ally of the Kingdom of the Netherlands.
… and Spanish flags did Fly Upon the Wooden Ramparts of that Once English Town, a Jewel of Albion upon that Savage Shore that now had Lost its Sparkle, Crush'd Beneath the Heel of the Conquering Spaniards. Where were the Venerable Order? These Englishman had been Cut Down without Sight of a Protecting Fleet, their Walls O'erwhelmed by the Diabolical Dagos who strolled upon that shore Without Challenge
The attack took place before the Spanish signed the treaty. In fact almost a year ago now. The Spanish have agreed to evacuate their forces from the town and return it to England. There are no survivors.
A sermon from the pulpit of Canterbury Cathedral
… and God does Bless our Island, Have we not seen how our Armies have Bested all Foes whether Mortal or Demonic? And now France pledges itself in Friendship with Us. Let us Raise Our Voices in unison to Praise the Lord for He smiles upon us and his Loyal Servant the Duke of Somerset who was the vessel for the Entente Cordiale…
A sermon from within the burned ruins of the Catholic Church of St Mary's in the Tabard of Southwark.
… he spreads the most terrible slanderous lies, this William Brandage, calling the sacred priesthood of our Faith devil worshippers in league with Moloch and dabblers in bloody sorcery. His play portrays us as unholy, concerned only to fornicate and sodomise, but I say it this play which is unholy. God shall judge him and find him wanting. He has incited the destruction of His place of worship and he shall pay in the next life if not in this …
”…indeed, this dedicatory poem is of the great quality we have come to expect from Mistress Lanik, and the Baroness Wargrave's achievements are presented in a touchingly realistic light; one can genuinely feel that one has met the good Baroness, and certainly is driven to thought of her fine virtues and efforts to protect the people of Albion out of the goodness of her heart. She must be a fine and noble individual indeed to have attracted the attention of one with Lanik's virtues…
…and indeed your Idler has been particularly morose in these past months, for as you may know, 'Lanik' is no longer a word I should strictly be printing; for it is indeed Mistress Brandage who even now holds my heart in her hands! I cannot bring myself to be hateful towards Master William Brandage, whose own pen is so marvellously blessed that, were I in the French way inclined, I might even find myself with a more than filial affection for him. And as for those who have made loud mutterings concerning the good lady's recent trial for recusancy, and her following marriage in an Anglican chapel, I say to them, fie, and fie again, while such beauty emanates from her poems, let no man dare to question what name she puts to Almighty God, or in what language she worships Him…
…the so-called “code poems” of my good lady have been furnishing your humble correspondent with a serious of fascinating puzzles over the past few months; these regularly published pamphlets seem to hint at deeper meanings within, and your correspondent can exclusively reveal that he believes them to be somewhat biting and satirical comments on certain members of the House of Parliament…!”
”…the report of the Synod determined, after evidence received from (among others) the Archbishop of York and the Archbishop of Canterbury, that AUGUSTUS WELLS-LACY, Bishop of Hereford, was guilty in the highest degree of crimes including USURY, BLASPHEMY, SIMONY and certain civil offences… It has been determined by the Synod that Augustus Wells-Lacy has fallen from the Grace of God, and since he may no longer even enter his own cathedral to give communion to the Faithful, so no longer shall he enter the Church of England as a Bishop, but rather as a humble and penitent lay worshipper… and prayers shall be given for his soul.”
”….after evidence submitted by HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN, the Speaker of the House SIR ALEXANDER CROSS, Mistress Brandage herself and THE ANGEL SEMANGELOF, the Court has decided that Mistress Brandage can not in all good conscience be subjected to the same penalties applied to atheist recusants, despite her self-professed nature as one of the Hebrew heretics… Sir Alex has raised the issue so passionately that we expect the matter to be brought before Parliament imminently, at which time the Court will deliver a more final judgement; in the mean time, let Mistress Brandage be free from all obligation to attend Holy Communion at the Church of England, providing she may prove at all times that she is free of SIN and FOUL CORRUPTION…”
… and the People of the Royal Duchy of Cornwall were woken after Compline to find that a Sun had Risen in the North for so it seemed as Voll Island did burn so Brightly. It is said that each looked one to other and did speak with One Voice the word “Franzberg” before Retiring once more to their Beds…
A ship was also sunk off the island that night but it is believed that no-one was killed in the incident.
A note penned by Master Thomas Irvin and printed in the City of London
… no food passing his lips for a Week, I am told, refusing all Mortal Thought and drinking Blessed water but once out of Human necessity. Then, as if with Sudden and Divine determination, Sir Alexander cryed out to the Heavens with a most Sonorous and Beautiful voice. Asking for forgiveness and acceptance and turning the entire chamber on its very head.
So a most Wondrous and Amazing thing did occur, for as if the highest servants of Our Lord did appear to welcome him - too Holy and Pure for Mortal eyes…
…and Spreading his Wings and rising into the air with new-found Grace and Holy Power. His look upon those present of benevolence and joy, then speedily Concern and Determination…
… snatching up that blessed sword from the Holy Water and with great speed disappearing to Vanquish the very Archduke of Hell Moloch.
A special notice circulated around all Naval establishments of England and other countries
The construction of the Canal now finished, its purpose to provide the ease of travel for all those that wish, so that with all great speed all can reach the Mysterious Inde and beyond.
In honour of its builder, patron and generous protector, the Viscount Surat, it shall be known to all as the Gerard Canal…
… that no unfair advantage be accredited to any company, country or persons, there shall be a respectful collection for the maintenance and protection of the waterway, that it may forever and for all remain.
There follows a short description of tariffs. English and Dutch Military ships pass under a low charge, as do East India Company ones, all other trade and military ships will be charged according to size or cargo at varying (but higher) costs.
A pamphlet commissioned by a noble residing in London
The most brilliant and divine designs there ever were on Earth - these are the works of Oswyn Osillbury, Master Tailor and most surely the most blessed man on God's Earth.
Can anyone be in doubt of the sheer beauty this man has created to please the eyes of every single man and woman that now lives, to honour royalty, to delight nobility and offer a comfort and warmth to those lower-born. For never before have the Angels of the Lord visited the works of men in such a strange yet blissful way.
May he be known to all across the English King's lands and far far beyond them.
A cheeky pamphlet produced in London celebrating the closeness of Captain James Cross and Julian Osillbury, written in the same style as those of “An Observer”
… leaping gracefully from the Chandelier into the clutches, nay, the soft caress of Julian Osillbury, whose fair feminine charm did astound the gentleman! A daring glance at her bosom and a most gentlemanly kiss of her hand and away through the back door…
… saved in this manner from the most ugly and sloberring man imaginable, and most certainly undeserving of Julian's soft touch, less Captain Cross', the bounteous Lady was so taken by the Captain that in one fell swoop she abandoned her career. The fell swoop being that of her dress dropping onto the floor…
… it is thus no surpsise that the two were seen, quite obviously, but most presentably, enjoying light afternoon refreshments in London's coffeehouses, in fact, I suppose, the very one where Captain Cross gave that Tailor a right good throw…
… accosted that evening by most evil fellows, demanding moneys and jewels, Captain Cross took no thought in defending Julian's honour with all speed. Taking the Lady's fan as a weapon (more readily available than the sword), in one strike the breeches of the man fell down and in the next Captain Cross carefully removed the other's beard - all pride and dignity lost they stumbled away with one kick to the backside…
A news pamplet of one the Dunkerque burghers sent to London
The Earl of Southmapton, bless his fortuitous concern, hath put all books and papers right and what had once been a mess is no more. For the Dutch and English authorities had entagled themselves in such a way that but Hercules or Achilles could untangle it, or Alexander the Great hew it in twain the Knot of Gordian.
With such command and elegance, his officers and papermen could sort through and arrange for all the difficult and complicated laws applicable to such a harbour of trade as ours.
I fear that such a great possession as a Continental port may have been lost and pronounced most useless without the Earl's patronage. Now may he rule and control it fairly, that both the citizens and traders, as well as the Kingdoms, may all reap the benefits it must provide us.
A short notice circulated in all the hot political spots of London and England's Majore Citys
… one must observe the strong concern of the Earl of Southampton for the good and proper order of the land, that he hath gathered around him men of good standing and character. These then, likely to be his supporters in the coming Parliament, will surely seek what is good and right for England and shall bring forth a powerful force for good change and improvement…
… inspired by the strong and passionate word of Sir Alexander Cross, blessed even now by an Angelic touch, there is now strong opinion on this matter. That when Parliament is called, the first motion shall surely be for the restitution of the Jews to our fair land, that they may have the benefits of Anglican teaching. I cannot see how this motion would fail, for all the England's great Deputies of Parliament are for its implementation.
Notice of Parliamentary Elections
Calling forth a New Parliament, to help the King rule England in a New Age of Peace. There shall be elections of Knight and Burgesses to such the constituencies as must be filled for a House of Commons.
The sermon of a Durham priest
… Foule stench spews forth, entangling the land and strangling the people. How have we sinned, for this may only be the right and Divine punishment of God against us, or the great plans of Satan to blight the land. Yet if the latter, then we have not been so right and pious that the Great Enemy's works may be worthless against us, and so damned we are…
… such plague not yet seen, that spreads so fast in Yorkshire county and with supernatural strength and speed preying upon all that might come into its influence…
A one-off pamphlet, printed on excellent paper and every sheet gold-edged
… all gifts most beautiful and pleasant, but most of all that Musical wonder.
The creation of the Professor Sir Jerome Nathaniel, this intricate piece of mechanisms is the most joyous gift that may be given. It brings sweet music to one's ears and delights the eye and all imagineable ways.
From the pulpit of the new Catholic Bishop of Liverpool.
…and what to make of the Error of Tolerance? It is Most Terrible to be Loyal to the One Church and Surrounded by Apostates. But while the Corrupt self-styled Church of England holds Sway over this Land there is but One Weed to Uproot. Tolerance means that a Numberless Multitude of Errors and Apostasies can Spread in this Once Christian Garden. It has been found by the Fathers of the Church that each must be Destroyed Separately. How much Harder the Salvation of England if this Crazed Notion is allowed to take Hold…
From a sermon delivered by the Church of England Bishop of Oxford
… what Right Do the Killers of Christ have to Sit and Make Laws in this Land? What Obligation does our Queen think we Owe those Steeped in Christ's Blood to even Set Foot upon this Blessed Christian Soil? No, my Children, we must Turn our Faces from those who have Rejected their Messiah and their Salvation. This Kingdom must Remain a Pure Christian Land …
A description, published in similar tones in various pamphlets across England
… at that moment, a passing chill and then the Sun all covered up. Dread, fear, all sense withdrawn. Then such an image to mortify the flesh and shatter bone - the wolf's head, it's terrifying jaws clamp down on the world's bright disc…
… the water and land grow cold, and snow's deadly touch upon the whole land of Albion, turning all to ice and losing all motion yet the season that of summer…
… then great serpents, nay, one serpent, Jormungund, surrounding all the waters, its evil body travelling all around and enveloping the lands, to crush and destroy.
All portents of the Ragnarok that comes. Yet nothing comes, no war between the gods, no battle-lines destroying all the land, but swift restoration. Sun gleaming in the sky and warming thawing lands, the sea all calm and without so much as a destructive wave.
Was this but a vision or have the old gods lost all the power in this world?
Notice published at the command of Professor Jerome Nathaniel of the Invisible College and distributed in all places likely to be read by anyone half-intelligent.
… to institute a most noble competition. That all may participate and exercise their mind in pursuit of all thigns good and academic.
One must devise and imaginative and practical application of any invetion, that its idea and plan might be the most innovative of thoughts.
Such that might win, whoever he or she is, shall have their invention made real on such a scale that you cannot imagine!
Please send all entries to Jerome Nathaniel
Viscount Sefton seems to have taken an interest in study at Cambridge.
It was horrible, eyes popping out, someone'd garrotted him! Not even a Spaniard deserves that!
Something is killing Dragoons. I hear it's some kind of monster that escaped the battle in Oxfordshire and wants revenge.
There really are Dutch spies in the East India Company. Right at the top I hear.
It's a good thing the war ended when it did, I hear England is almost completely defenceless now…
I hear that some of those that were involved in the fight at the Invisible College last season are wearing some sort of badge, or medal, commissioned by Galahad Tarrant. Is it like a secret order or something?
There's something dreadfully wrong with Cain's College.
I hear Wells-Lacy isn't the only one with an orphanage - doesn't master Osillbury have one as well? I bet he treats the kids better!
“The Catholic Church denounces any acts of violence against true pilgrims to the Lord’s sacred shrines.”
I hear that after that big public wedding to Brandage, Rebecca Lanik had a secret ceremony as well - probably involving blood sacrifice, knowing those damn Jews…
“Those men at the Spanish embassy are awfully rough. I do hear some of the servants went out and positively murdered each other. Truly murdered…”
“Sir Alexander Cross? Well, he's really done it now, hasn't he - he'll turn the Kingdom upside down and we'll be all dead before he's finished and he'll stille be winged and flying about fighting demons.”
“Why has the Baroness Wargrave become so popular with the Queen? She's not done anything obvious. Must be magic. Stand to reason.”