Player: Rich G
Rank: Duke (Rank 5)
Religion: Church of England
Email: baldwin_takevirgin@albion.chaosdeathfish.com

A Duke newly arrived to Court.

On the anniversary of the founding of Nearer! (then spelt without the exclamation mark), it seemed appropriate to look back through the archives, to see what news was like before theurgic presses were invented.

Curiously, the first issues of Nearer! suffered some evident printing problems. While always at the forefront of printing technology, the inks used seem to have decayed somewhat, leaving mere fragments of the original lengthy articles, although the etchings that accompanied some editions appear to have been preserved remarkably well. Still, extrapolating from that which is legible, it is very clear that what was then a mere pamphlet was considerably more licentious than the present magazine, even more so if the tastes of the era are accounted for. Frequent references to the sexual preferences of the courtiers are made, and one edition seems to make exceptionally crude and thinly veiled comments about the size of one person's “sword”. The etchings, if anything, are worse: although they are not technically indecent, they push the boundaries of the sensibilities of the time with remarkable strength and frequency.

The change in focus from courtiers to their houses and weddings followed almost immediately from the Takevirgin takeover. Apparently seeing a good market opportunity, Takevirgin rapidly moved in on the small company, changing its direction and focus. That said, the number and explicitness of the etchings only went up while Takevirgin was in direct control of the company. Piecing together quotes across the archives, it seems this was for the simple reason that his wife liked them.

This moralising play tells of the difficulties of running a spy ring during the festive season, dangers of consorting with Evil Beings, and how the innocence of youth can defeat them all.

Duke Takevirgin: This trinket I recovered from the Jesuits! Here is a shiny coin for whoever can open it!

[The box is displayed and passed around. Various family members try to open it, without success, until we come to Jessica, a young girl, who easily slips it open. A djinn appears in a puff of smoke, a creature of red dust and swirling winds if that can be arranged.]

Djinn: You. You are not the one I spoke to last. I have but one wish to grant, and then I shall be freed from my service. Choose wisely.

Jessica: I wanna pony.

Djinn: I could seat you on the throne of the world, and you ask me for a pony?

[All at once]

Jessica: Uhm. Mebbe not. I wanna dwagon! No! A castle! No! A…[continues]

Jessica's Mother: No, what she really wants is nice dress.

Jessica's Father: A bit of sense wouldn't go amiss.

Cousin: A good husband!

Djinn: One! One wish alone can I grant you!

[All keep talking with increasing incomprehensibility and the djinn twists, as if in agony.]

Djinn: I have had enough! If this is the world I should be freed into then I do not need to spread Havoc, for it is already here! I shall retreat into my box for another thousand years, just please shut up!

[The djinn vanishes in a puff of smoke and the box slams shut.]

Jessica: I still get the coin, right?